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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28560282">I Wish You Could Hold Me Through It</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl_in_a_trenchcoat/pseuds/fangirl_in_a_trenchcoat'>fangirl_in_a_trenchcoat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Phantom Chronicles [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Julie and The Phantoms (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Flynn is an amazing friend, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Past Character Death, Shadowhunter AU, who smuggles mundane technology in the Institute</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:08:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,936</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28560282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl_in_a_trenchcoat/pseuds/fangirl_in_a_trenchcoat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Julie took a shaky breath. "Have you ever..." she started trying to figure out how to put it. "Have you ever had a dream that made you really sad, but you didn't want it to end? You're crying and you know it's a dream and you know you're gonna wake up in a while and that just hurts?"</p><p>"No," Flynn said, "but I think I get it."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Flynn &amp; Julie Molina, Julie Molina &amp; Julie Molina's Mother</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Phantom Chronicles [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2079396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Wish You Could Hold Me Through It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Julie's fingers flew over the keys following the notes ahead of her. She had only started learning how to play, but she loved it, it was a nice break from studying and she got to spend more time with her mom.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She reached the chorus, but confused the keys, flinching at the disharmony, and stopped with a sigh.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm never gonna get it right," she said with a frown, looking at he music sheets in front of her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Never is such a strong word, mija," her mom said from beside her with a smile. "Playing an instrument takes practice, you can't expect to be perfect from the beginning." And sure, Julie had only been learning how to play for a couple of weeks and maybe she was still young at nine years old, but she wanted to be doing better already.<br/></em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You play, here," she said and moved over on the bench for her mom to play the melody. "I like listening to you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Are you sure you're not saying it just so you don't practice?" her mom looked at her with a raised eyebrow, but a smile on her face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No!" Julie giggled. "Please?" She looked at her with a smile hoping to convince her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her mom looked at her as if contemplating her decision, tapping a finger on her chin. "Hmm... I guess I could," she said, "but only if you at least join me singing."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What song?" Julie asked eagerly. She definitely knew she was good at singing, maybe it'd be enough to boost her confidence about her piano playing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, I have something special I've started working on," she said gathering a few music sheets from the top of the piano, "but I think I'm gonna need some help."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You want me to help you write a song?" Julie asked her eyes going wide.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do you want to?" she asked her with a smile.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yes!" Julie said excited, bouncing on the bench. "Does it have a title? Do you have any lyrics? Do you only have music? I love this!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her mom chuckled as she pushed a few curls away from Julie's face. "I can play you the intro and you can help me with the chorus?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yes, yes, yes!" Julie said shaking her mother's arm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Okay, okay," her mom said with a smile. She started playing the melody, Julie looking excited between her and the music sheet. She loved her voice, it was powerful and calming at the same time. It was beautiful.</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>Don't blink</em><br/><em>No, I don't want to miss it</em><br/><em>One thing, and it's back to the beginning</em><br/><em>'Cause everything is rushing in fast</em><br/><em>Keep going on never look back</em></p><p></p><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>
    <em>And it's one, two, three, four times</em>
    <br/>
    <em>That I'll try for one more night</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Light a fire in my eyes</em>
    <br/>
    <em>I'm going out of my mind..."</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Julie listened to her, enchanted as always. Maybe one day she could become as good as her.</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>Julie woke up with tears streaming down her face. She sniffled as she wiped them off with her sleeve and sighed, pulling the blanket closer to her. She could see rays of light trying to come through the curtains and failing. It couldn't have been too early, but Flynn hadn't come looking for her so she was probably good to sit there for a few more minutes.</p>
  <p>It'd been two months ever since her mom had died and Julie believed she was doing better, but there were still some days that were worse than others. Some days that she just wanted to stay on her bed for a little while longer, preferably not alone. She didn't necessarily want to talk, she just didn't like feeling alone if she could help it.</p>
  <p>She wasn't sure how much time had passed when she heard the door opening. Julie didn't move from her place on the bed, but could feel Flynn's presence around before she even started talking. She wasn't a hundred percent sure if it was a parabatai thing or a 'I don't remember my life before her' thing.</p>
  <p>"Good morning!" Flynn said loudly as she pulled the curtains open, light filling the room. Julie blinked at the sudden change, bringing the blanket further up to cover her face.</p>
  <p>"How are we doing this fine day?" she asked dropping on the bed and lying beside Julie.</p>
  <p>Julie shrugged, not really knowing what to say. She knew she didn't have to say anything for her to understand, Flynn knew her better than anyone.</p>
  <p>"You wanna watch a movie? Don't tell anyone but I got a Netflix account," she said conspiratorially making Julie breathe a laugh. Shadowhunters had never been in par with mundane culture, but technology had been evolving and even though they didn't really used it, they still had phones. And ever since Flynn had discovered Netflix she'd been trying to get in on it.</p>
  <p>Julie wasn't sure what she wanted. She needed something, but she didn't want to leave her bed. She just wanted to feel better.</p>
  <p>Flynn reached forward, brushing a tear off Julie's cheek softly. "I'm here, Jules," she said. "Whatever you need."</p>
  <p>Julie took a shaky breath. "Have you ever..." she started trying to figure out how to put it. "Have you ever had a dream that made you really sad, but you didn't want it to end? You're crying and you know it's a dream and you know you're gonna wake up in a while and that just hurts?"</p>
  <p>"No," Flynn said, "but I think I get it."</p>
  <p>"It's just..." Julie's breath hitched in her throat and she tried to get around it. "I'm never gonna see her again," she whispered, "a-and I know that, I do, but dreams are just weird. You can't tell the difference and you think everything's fine and then you wake up and remember it's not, but for those few minutes it's just... everything's just good. And then everything hurts worse when you wake up and remember."</p>
  <p>Flynn reached for her hand under the blankets and gave it a squeeze. Julie continued trying to explain. "And I know it's not... It's just a dream, it shouldn't bother me that much..."</p>
  <p>"Don't try to downplay it," Flynn said softly. "Sometimes life is just hard and you need to find a way to get through it." She gave Julie a smile. "Why do you think I'm here? Designated emotional support parabatai."</p>
  <p>Julie chuckled, intertwining their fingers together. "Thank you," she said trying to convey her greatfulness through these two simple words. Sure, there were a lot of things she could say, but nothing that Flynn didn't already know. Or could already feel.</p>
  <p>They stayed in a comfortable silence for a little while, Julie relishing in the feeling.</p>
  <p>She couldn't believe it'd already been two months. Sometimes she felt like time had stopped. Like she'd just heard the news and was trying to process them, trying to process that her mom was gone. One second she'd been there, laughing, singing... And then she just wasn't anymore. And God, she missed her. Because how was she supposed to just accept that and carry on? </p>
  <p>She knew being a Shadowhunter wasn't fun and games. She'd been doing this for a while too and she'd already killed enough demons to know how bad it could get. Protecting mundanes and Downworlders was their duty, one she'd accepted long ago and strove to fulfill every time she was out there. And maybe dying while protecting and saving people who couldn't protect themselves against the demons emerging from Edom was a noble end for a Shadowhunter, but an end nonetheless. And Julie was proud of her mom and everything she had accomplished and all the people she'd saved. She just wished someone had managed to save her too...</p>
  <p>Other times she felt like everything had been a blur. Two months without her mom had passed by and she was just... She didn't really feel like doing anything. She'd started going back on patrols though because she really needed to get her mind off of everything sometimes. Slaying demons really released some tension.</p>
  <p>"Do you want to go hit things with your whip and my knives?" Flynn offered.</p>
  <p>And yes, Julie wanted to go do something, she just wasn't exactly sure what. Or maybe she was.</p>
  <p>She would slow down every time she passed by the music room on the second floor, acting like it didn't bother her, like it wasn't a big deal or anything. Only that was a big lie and she was pretty sure everyone - her included - knew it. </p>
  <p>Music used to be her and her mom's thing, going at it alone... It felt wrong somehow. Lonely. She didn't want to sit in an empty room, singing by herself when all it'd do was bring back memories she didn't want to go through right now. Maybe some time later... Maybe someone else would show some interest in an instrument and she wouldn't have to be alone. Just... She wasn't ready to go back in there yet.</p>
  <p>"Do we actually have time to watch a movie?" Julie asked not really wanting to leave the bed. She didn't have the energy to play cheerful today. Some days were just worse than others, but at least they were manageable, so she was willing to sit through them. This wasn't going to last forever.</p>
  <p>"Hell yeah, we do!" Flynn said already grabbing her phone from her pocket. "We should invest in getting a laptop you know." They'd never really had any used for it, but watching a movie on your phone wasn't the most comfortable thing to do.</p>
  <p>"Simon said we can borrow his if we need it for anything..."</p>
  <p>"I don't think 'anything' referred to watching movies."</p>
  <p>"Knowing Simon, it 99% referred to watching movies," Julie deadpanned.</p>
  <p>"You know, that... That's fair, that makes sense," Flynn conceded.</p>
  <p>Julie snuggled closer to her, their hair all tangled with each other as they both looked at Flynn's phone trying to find something to watch. She sighed, trying to focus on the here and now rather the dream she'd had and every other memory going through her head. It wasn't always bad, she loved remembering her mom and all the moments they'd had together. At the same time though there was a voice in the back of her head reminding her that she couldn't get that anymore which only hurt. Sometimes it was just easier to block everything and focus on the people around her.</p>
  <p>"Do you want to talk about it?" Flynn asked her, resting her phone against her legs.</p>
  <p>And there wasn't anything specific Julie wanted to talk about. Maybe it was the dream that had kick started everything, but it was just the general grief she felt. She didn't have anything more to say, she just... She needed a distraction for a while.</p>
  <p>"No..." she said quietly, her head on Flynn's shoulder.</p>
  <p>Flynn wrapped her arm around her, holding her close. "Okay, let's see what's on here..." she said, opening the app.</p>
  <p>Julie wasn't sure if the parabatai connection had something to do with it or if it was just Flynn being her best friend ever since she could remember herself, but the action was comforting. Her mom would hold her close when she didn't feel well, her hand going through her hair, sometimes even singing, trying to make her feel better. And she knew she couldn't have that anymore, but maybe being there with Flynn who would stay by her side and hold her through the pain... Maybe she was going to make it through after all.</p>
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